This post is more for my reference, but maybe it’ll help someone else someday. (especially if the people in your life have the maturity of five year olds). Thankfully there is a Verizon store reallllly close, and so a guy there saved me from becoming a murderer. None of the help online was helpful, because it seems every iPhone has the settings set up differently. And when you don’t even know what language you’re looking at, you’re pretty much SOL.